


The Best Weapon Against Snake Creatures

by Dracothelizard



Category: The Lair of the White Worm (1988)
Genre: Gen, Post-Canon, Yuletide Treat, bagpipes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:47:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21922393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracothelizard/pseuds/Dracothelizard
Summary: In which James and Angus head to the hospital, and James learns why bagpipes are so important.
Comments: 20
Kudos: 26
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	The Best Weapon Against Snake Creatures

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pikkugen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikkugen/gifts).



> The Lair of the White Worm is a delightfully ridiculous movie, so I was delighted to see your request for it.

“I can’t believe bagpipes helped save the day,” James says, as they’re driving to the hospital to visit the girls. It’s been a long day. His entire world has been turned upside down. How can he even try and comprehend everything? It’s too much.

The bagpipes, though. The bagpipes are a start. 

Angus snorts with derision. “Of course they did. Best weapon against snake creatures. Everyone knows that. That’s why I’m bringing them with us to the hospital.” His grip on his bagpipes tighten.

“Why did you have those with you, anyway?” James asks, glad the roads are quiet. “Do you always bring those along on your archaeological expeditions? Just in case there’s a bagpiping emergency?"

“There _was_ a bagpiping emergency!” Angus glares at him. “You just said they saved the day.”

“ _Helped_ saved the day, I think you’ll find.”

Angus narrows his eyes, and for a minute, his pupils change, slitted like a snake’s. But then he blinks and his eyes are their normal shade of blue. “Fine. We saved the day together. You happy now?” 

James must’ve imagined it. “Very.” They sit in silence for a moment. “Those bites on your leg…”

“Yes. She bit me.”

“But you’re fine?” He’s not sure what he’ll do if Angus _isn’t_ fine.

“For now.” Angus takes a deep breath. “The bagpipes help.”

“The _bagpipes_ help?”

“Of course they do! I just told you. They’re the best weapon against snake creatures! How do you think Saint Patrick banished all the snakes from Ireland?”

James is really glad there aren’t any other cars on the road. “Are you saying Saint Patrick used _bagpipes_ against the snakes?”

“Of course.”

“Saint Patrick isn’t even Scottish!”

“An Englishman would say that!”

James splutters indignantly. “You’re still not making any sense. You’ve been bitten. You’re clearly losing your mind.” Oh God, what if Angus turns into one of those snake creatures too? He pulls over. “Don’t make me use dynamite on you.”

Angus just lets out a huff. “There’s no need for good deeds. I’m fine so long as I’ve got my bagpipes. They slow down the infection. The hospital has the serum. We’ll just have to get there as quick as we can. Hopefully it’s enough for me _and_ the girls.” He gestures at the road ahead of them. “We have to hurry!”

“You’re just saying that so you can get over there and bite all those other people.” James can see Angus’ eyes change again. “I won’t let you.”

“Don’t you think that if I’d turned, I’d’ve bitten you by now and taken off with your stupid car?”

“It’s a classic!”

Angus shakes his head and clutches his bagpipes to his chest. “Just get us there. Quickly.”

James watches him for a little longer, then decides to do as Angus says. He’s arguing and being ridiculous about bagpipes, which make him a lot of things, but not an evil snake creature, at least. “Why did you really bring those bagpipes?”

Angus looks down for a moment. “I had some suspicions,” he admits. “I’d heard some of the folk stories, and I thought I’d better be safe than sorry.”

“You kept that bloody quiet.” James felt so clever for figuring out so much of what was going on, and now it turns out Angus knew more than he was letting on.

“Would you have believed me?” Angus’ voice is quiet. He sounds exhausted.

“I suppose not.” But the answer only raises more questions. “But how did you know bagpipes would even work? I used very specific music. And don’t bring up Saint Patrick again.”

Angus laughs, and James feels relieved. If Angus can laugh, he’s clearly not evil. “My family didn’t always live on the Orkneys,” he says. “The Flints used to live in the Highlands. In Fort Augustus. There are still Flints living there today.”

James frowns. Angus sounds like all of this should be ringing a bell, but James still has no idea how this is supposed to explain anything. He’s vaguely heard of Fort Augustus. The site of some great battle, no doubt. “Right,” he says, hoping Angus will continue.

“I guess my great-grandparents got tired of it,” Angus says, sagging a little in his seat. “I mean, it’s not easy, keeping a beast that size nice and calm.”

“Wait.” He remembers a little more about Fort Augustus, and about Scotland, and about giant beasts. “You’re not saying…”

“Nessie.”

James is definitely relieved there aren’t other cars on the road. “That’s ridiculous. Nessie isn’t even _real_.”

“An Englishman would say that.” Angus laughs again. “The Flints have been keeping her calm for centuries now, playing her music on the bagpipes. Since Nessie is a giant water snake, I assumed it would work on your big friend as well.”

“Hang on, you didn’t even know if it would work?” He glances over at the other man, who just shrugs. “What if they got you? What if it doesn’t work in slowing down the poison?”

Angus gestures at himself. “It clearly is! And it did!”

“You took a huge risk. You went in there, by yourself, and—”

“I had my bagpipes.”

“By yourself!”

“And my mongoose.”

“You _what_?”

Angus sighs. “Too bad it died.”

“You had a mongoose with you? All this time?” He can’t believe Angus is only mentioning this now.

“Well, yes. Mongoose are the _second_ -best weapon against snakes.” Angus pats his bagpipes.

“After bagpipes, hm?”

“Now you’re catching on.” Angus gives him a pleased smile.

James smiles back. He still doesn’t like the sheen of sweat on Angus’ forehead, though. “But how did you bring it with you? I thought you had your hands full with your bagpipes.”

“Don’t be daft. I carried her in my sporran.”

“The same sporran you carried a grenade in?” James glances down at aforementioned sporran, wondering what else Angus has in there.

“Bit of a risk, but eh, the whole thing was a bit of a risk. And it all worked out in the end.”

“Yes, except for the part where you got bitten and are now infected and in the same car as me.” He keeps driving. “And _I_ don’t know how to play the bagpipes.”

Angus smiles. “Once we’ve got the right serum and everyone’s safe out of hospital, I’ll teach you.”

“I can’t promise you I’ll be any good at it,” James tells him. “You might be stuck down here for a very long time.”

Angus’ smile grows. “I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me and my bagpipes, Lord d’Ampton.”


End file.
